Alistair Tasks Julian With Killing Sheridan and Luis; Luis and Sheridan, Unaware & Smoochin, Previously Trapped in a Vault

The Crane family archive. The sprinkler system. Priceless Rembrandts. Sheridan once again trapped in box (vault). The Gazette notes these elements coexisted in a single scene and has filed every one of them.

Alistair Crane, operating at his customary altitude of ice-cold menace, has tasked Julian with killing both Sheridan and Luis. The Gazette notes this is a significant escalation. It is also, the Gazette notes, quite bad timing on Alistair's part, as Sheridan and Luis were at the time of the order recently inadvertently imprisoned in the Crane family vault, which Ethan had kindly unlocked for them and Julian had then re-locked by deactivating Ethan's security card. If only there were cameras in the vault. The Gazette considers this the most accidental near-assassination in Crane family history to date, and acknowledges the bar for that distinction is high.

Luis and Sheridan had entered the vault in search of Sheridan's late mother's notebook, the existence of which Ethan disclosed. While inside, Luis experienced what sources describe as a premonition about his father and nearly drowned when Luis himself tripped the sprinkler system to free them both. The Gazette notes that you cannot survive on Rembrandts alone, and that Luis's solution, while unconventional, was effective. They narrowly avoided Julian, who arrived to investigate the sprinklers. The Gazette considers this a significant near-miss and notes that Luis and Sheridan have now concluded that Julian and Alistair are cold-blooded killers.

Word Search Submitted by VJP
Luis and Sheridan are not yet aware they are marked. The Gazette considers this an important development. The Gazette has been watching the Crane family with some concern for three issues running. Please enjoy this word search submitted by astute viewer VJPussyCat

Miguel Attempts Hell a Third Time; Kay Gets Mouth-to-Mouth; Charity Proposes a Method of Escape

The hell closet: resolved. Charity Standish: still inside. Kay Bennett: watching through a magic mirror. Miguel: returned, apparently undeterred by the goo.

Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald has attempted to enter hell for the third time. The Gazette is not in a position to verify whether there is a formal limit on hell-portal visits and has found no relevant church guidance in its research. What the Gazette can confirm is that the assembled group — having previously deployed the Ladder of Lucifer, hacked the Vatican, and watched hell on what one source described as a crazy big screen — continues to pursue Charity with considerable persistence.

Hecuba, continuing her campaign of supernatural interference, summoned demons to the Bennett house while the assembled group was in prayer. The priest deployed holy water. Hecuba attempted to sever the Ladder of Lucifer with a manifested hacksaw. The Gazette notes, and notes with some emphasis, that Hecuba chose to saw through the rope ladder rather than simply untie it. The editorial board has reviewed the available footage and can confirm: untying it would have been faster. Hecuba then used her powers to hurl Timmy across the room. Viewer response was unified in its displeasure at this development.

Chat · Collective Assessment "nobody liked that"

The holy water, it emerged, had consequences closer to home than intended. When the priest deployed it, it burned Kay Bennett. The Gazette files this under ongoing consequences of Kay's choices and notes that at the end of this development, Kay was still able to administer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to an unconscious Miguel, which this paper notes is the second consecutive issue in which Kay's stated objective has been served by a logistical accident. The Gazette does not consider this a trend yet but is watching closely.

Inside hell, Miguel located Charity in Hecuba's cave. He was bound attempting to untie her. Charity advised him that the best method of escape from bondage is to fully indulge in it and make love. The Gazette is reporting this accurately. Kay was watching through a magic mirror. The Gazette considered this scene and has no further editorial comment at this time.

Reese Durkee · Technical Analysis

Reese Raises Gas Leak Hypothesis; Proposes Shared Hallucination; Nobody Buys It

Reese Durkee, in what the Gazette considers a significant pivot for someone who hacked the Vatican last week, proposed this week that the entire hell portal situation was a shared hallucination caused by the gas leak. Miguel did not accept this explanation and expressed a desire to check the mines. The gas leak remains officially open. This paper takes no position on whether Reese believes what he said. It does note that he said it.

Witch Desk · Lamp Report

Hecuba Contained in a Lamp; Timmy Holds His Thumb in the Hole While Tabitha Searches for a Cork

This paper is pleased to report that Hecuba has been trapped in a lamp. The trap was executed by Timmy and Tabitha, following Timmy's revelation that he had been operating as a double agent. The Gazette reported previously that Timmy had apparently defected to Hecuba's side. Timmy has now clarified, to the satisfaction of all parties, that this was not the case. The Gazette files the correction and notes that Timmy's allegiance to Tabitha was never seriously in doubt, at least not by this paper.

Timmy was left holding his thumb in the hole of the lamp while Tabitha searched for a suitable cork. Hecuba shoot lightning at Timmy's thumb from inside the bottle during this interval. The Gazette notes the comfort of the lamp, many many lush pillows in there and much bigger than it looks from outside.

The lamp situation has been resolved via cork. Tabitha has been freed from the pole in Hecuba's cave to which she was previously tied. The Gazette considers this a net positive week for the Lenox household, with the caveat that trapping a powerful witch in a domestic container is a temporary measure and this paper will be following developments.

TC Russell · Field Report

TC Attacks Julian Crane; Has Very Cool Cat Eyes; Sources Attribute This to Charity's Evil

TC Russell attacked Julian Crane this week under what sources attribute to the influence of Charity's evil. The HWG notes that viewers can tell Evil Charity from Regular Charity by their sexy pitched down voice. He had, per multiple eyewitness accounts, very cool cat eyes during the incident. The Gazette is reporting this factually and declines to elaborate, as the facts speak adequately for themselves.

Data Storage · Special Report

Chad's DNA Results on Floppy Disc; Independent Study Concludes This Is Not Scientifically Possible; Computer Also Not Cooperating

HWG Field Correspondent WrecksLLC has filed an exhaustive independent study on the matter of the floppy disc. This paper is giving it the space it deserves.

Chad Harris, who this week disclosed that his birthday is "Probably" August 14th, was in receipt this week of DNA test results delivered on a floppy disc. Dr. Eve Russell assisted him in loading the file. Nobody present appeared to be able to operate the computer in question. The Gazette notes that this is not an uncommon situation in Harmony, where the hospital computers appear to be running on a separate and significantly older infrastructure than Reese Durkee's cargo-pocket computer.

HWG Field Correspondent WrecksLLC conducted an independent study into whether a human DNA profile would fit on a floppy disc. The study concluded that a genome would require, at minimum, just shy of 800 megabytes. A standard floppy disc holds 1.44 megabytes. The Gazette presents this finding without editorial position, except to note that the finding is significant.

This reporter is not in a position to offer a comprehensive history of data storage technology in a newspaper format. The Gazette is therefore offering a brief, non-comprehensive overview of the situation: the floppy disc, introduced commercially in the 1970s, moved through several format generations culminating in the 3.5-inch high-density disc with its 1.44 megabyte ceiling. The compact disc, arriving in the 1980s and reaching consumer computing in the 1990s, offered approximately 700 megabytes. Rewritable formats followed. The point is that by the period in which Harmony's events take place, the option of a CD existed. The hospital did not use it. The Gazette notes this without further comment, except to further note that Reese's tiny computer, per astute viewer Thrashputin, was considerably more capable than the hospital computers. The Gazette concurs with this assessment and considers it a matter of institutional investment.

Thrashputin · Astute Viewer "Reese's tiny computer was much faster than the hospital computers"

Chad spent a significant portion of the day waiting at the computer for the floppy to load. Sources attribute this delay to file corruption resulting from the disc being overloaded. The Gazette considers this the most technically plausible explanation on offer and notes that it vindicates nobody in this story. The DNA results are loaded, However Eve is currently haveing a mental breakdown on the Larry Winger show. Chad was reluctant to review them in any case, having observed what happened to Ethan. The Gazette considers this a reasonable position.

Beth · Book Café Report

Beth Returns; Thirsty for Chad; Ethan Finds Out What Things Cost

Beth has returned to the Book Café and is flirting with Chad. The Gazette is noting this.

Ethan Winthrop, formerly of the Crane estate and now using the Book Café as his base of operations with Theresa while they search for a one-bedroom apartment, attempted this week to purchase a stack of magazines. He was disheartened to learn that they cost more than Chad makes in a day. The Gazette considers this a significant moment of adjustment for a man who recently believed himself heir to one of the largest fortunes in New England, and notes that this is only the beginning. The one-bedroom apartment search is ongoing.

Press Release Review · Gas Desk

Crane Gas Company Issues Statement on Gas Leak; Blames "Lopez-Fitzgerald Boy" for Mucking About in the Mines

The Harmony Crane Gas Company has taken out an advertisement this week addressing the ongoing gas leak situation. The advertisement acknowledged the existence of the gas. It skirted the question of responsibility. It attributed the cause of the leak to Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald mucking around in the mines.

The Gazette's editorial position: this is a remarkable document and we are pleased it has finally arrived. The gas leak has been an open item in this paper since issue one. That its first official acknowledgment arrives in the form of a paid advertisement blaming a teenager is, this paper notes, consistent with the Crane family's approach to public accountability across the period of our coverage. The Gazette has retained the advertisement in full. The gas leak remains unresolved. This paper has not forgotten. This paper will not be forgetting.

Grace Bennett · Character Notes

Grace Shows Sam the Baby Memories; Grace Has Not Been Right Since; Father Lonigan Is Unable to Help

Grace Bennett, whom this paper characterised in its first issue as warm and measured, and noted in its second issue had set that characterisation aside, continued this week in a direction this paper is watching with concern and viewers are noting as unhinged. She showed Sam all the memories they had made with their babies, which sources describe as an act of rubbing it in, and which Grace connects to a loss she considers Sam's fault. Father Lonigan spoke with Grace. He was unable to comfort her. The Gazette notes the failure and notes it was not for lack of effort. The Gazette is watching Grace. The stage is being set for something and this paper intends to document it fully when it arrives.

Culture Desk · Television Review

Eve Russell Wanders Through Hospital and Finds Herself on the Larry Winger Show; The Topic Is Women Who Lie

Dr. Eve Russell, avoiding Chad in the hospital while the floppy disc situation unfolded, caught a glimpse of the Larry Winger show on a television in the waiting room. The topic of the episode was Women Who Lie. Dr. Russell, having passed through a door, found herself on the set of the Larry Winger show, hosted by Jerry Springer. The Gazette notes that the transition from hospital corridor to live television was apparently door-adjacent and that no source has accounted for the mechanism involved, Perhaps they film the show there. The Gazzette has gone to great lenghts to document the ordeal because we are certain, dear reader, words could not serve this sequence justice. LARRY LARRY!

Paid Notice · Crane Gas Company A Message Regarding Recent Gas Concerns The Crane Gas Company wishes to assure residents of Harmony that all gas infrastructure in this township meets the applicable regulatory standards. Any odours recently reported in or around residential properties should be attributed to known interference with underground mine workings by local youth, specifically one Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald, and not to any fault or negligence on the part of Crane Gas or its parent entity, Crane Industries. The Crane Gas Company thanks its customers for their continued trust and patronage. We will not be addressing this matter again. If you smell gas, no you did not.

The Gazette prints the above notice as received. The Gazette has not changed its editorial position on the gas leak. The notice has been filed alongside every prior episode in which the gas smell was noted and not addressed. The Gazette again thanks the concerned citizen whose original letter initiated this thread of coverage,

Chat · Repeated Assessment "This Fucking Show!"

The Gazette logs this without further comment. It was proclaimed often this week and the Gazette considers it an accurate critical response to events as described above.