Miguel Enters Hell Twice; Emerges Covered in Goo; Charity Still Inside

The (B)ladder of Lucifer. The Vatican website. A tiny computer in a large cargo pocket. This paper has been covering Harmony for two issues and nothing about this surprised us as much as it probably should have.

The battle to recover Charity Standish from the hell portal in Kay Bennett's bedroom closet has entered a new and significant phase. The effort so far has involved: Reese Durkee hacking the Vatican on a tiny computer, Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald entering hell twice and being rendered unconscious once, Father Lonigan deploying what appeared to be a bottle of sunscreen as holy water, and the timely discovery that the (B)ladder of Lucifer, a significant church artefact, was in the Bennett family garage. Charity remains in hell. The Gazette is reporting this as an ongoing situation.

The Gazette considers this a significant sequence of events and notes every element of it is accurate.

Astute viewer cristo___________________________________________ noted this is the plot to a DOOM game. The Gazette reviewed the evidence and concurs.

The sequence proceeded as follows. Hecuba locked Reese Durkee and the assembled group, comprising Miguel, Simone, and Jessica, in the Bennett basement and began shooting lightning bolts at them through the window. The walls began closing in, not unlike the major motion pictures Star Wars and Army of Darkness. Miguel suggested it might be an earthquake. Reese correctly identified this as supernatural. He noted he did not want to die a virgin. Father Lonigan vouched for the general evil of the situation.

Pantsoclock · Viewer of Record "this is absurd lol"

How Reese and the assembled group escaped the basement is not on record. No source has been able to account for it. When they reached the main floor Kay told them the truth. They did not believe her. Miguel opened the closet to find Kay's dirty laundry. Reese proposed a plausible explanation. Kay told him he was the crazy one. Reese reminded the group that he received an A in psychology, after which his credentials were questioned again, this time on grounds of his cargo sweater, which featured a knit half-turtleneck with a large cargo pocket on the front. The Gazette has reviewed the available footage and can confirm: there was a tiny computer in the pocket. It was ready to go. Father Lonigan had a plan and the plan involved a tiny computer.

The closet. The portal. The gang.

The closet in question. Kay's laundry was inside. Charity was not, at that time, visible.

Ethan and Theresa Engaged; Theresa Had a Very Bad Dream First

The Harvard-educated lawyer is landing on his feet. Theresa has had a nightmare about the alternative. Rebecca Hotchkiss has used the word guttersnipe twice. The Gazette noted both usages.

Ethan Winthrop, operating in the wake of his paternity disclosure, placed his hand on the Crane family bible and swore to destroy the life of whoever leaked his parentage to the tabloids. He then packed to leave Harmony, which caused Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald significant distress. He also revealed that he used to play baseball. The Gazette is noting this for the record.

Sheridan Crane persuaded Ethan to spend the night at the cabin with herself and Luis, who made hot chocolate without complaint despite the interruption to his alone time. Sheridan appeared relieved that she and Ethan are not related. The Gazette confirms they are not.

Theresa raised the possibility that Pandora's box is actually an attaché case. She admitted to having opened it. The Gazette considers this the most significant piece of Theresa self-incrimination to date and notes that Ethan was not, on this occasion, upset with her. He was upset with the person who took the information to the tabloids. He vowed to destroy their life. The Gazette is tracking the vow.

Rebecca Hotchkiss called Theresa a guttersnipe twice today. The Gazette logged both usages without comment.

The following day Ethan called off the wedding. This turned out to be a bad dream Theresa was having. The Gazette notes that the distinction between Theresa's nightmares and actual events in Harmony is narrower than it should be. In the waking version of events Ethan and Theresa decided to be married immediately.

Crane Manor Correspondent

Ivy Hurls Three Vases; Julian Announces Divorce; Rebecca Enjoys Bubble Bath and New Fiancé Julian

Grace Bennett, recovering in hospital after this paper's previous coverage of her stair-related incident, observed Sam Bennett embracing Ivy Crane in the hospital corridor. The shock was sufficient to cause her to collapse. The pregnancy has been confirmed lost. Grace, who was previously characterised by this paper as warm and measured, has set aside that characterisation. She damned Ivy to hell. She used the word WROUGHT. She told Ivy the curse would last her entire life. The Gazette considered this one of the more affecting scenes of the week and notes that the Gazette does not use that characterisation lightly.

Ivy returned to Crane Manor to find Julian in bed with Rebecca Hotchkiss, who has been described by Julian as voluptuous and by this paper as Rebecca Crotchkiss. Julian announced his divorce. Ivy declined to acknowledge it. She threw three vases. Julian noted there would be reconciliation for the vases through the settlement. He then excused himself for a glass of brandy. Alistair called to reprimand Julian for attending to his own perverse needs rather than managing the Crane family's public relations situation. Alistair then hung up on Ethan when Ethan attempted to say goodbye.

Ivy emerged the following morning in a pink and black powersuit and refused to leave. Rebecca, in a bubble bath, hired Harper at Law as Julian's divorce attorney and began decorating the Manor in her fashion. Julian and Rebecca are engaged. The scene ended with Ivy calling Rebecca a duplicitous scheming whore, which this paper will not be correcting.

Hell Closet · Continued

Hacking the Vatican; The (B)ladder of Lucifer; Reese Well-Fed and Frustrated

After Miguel was knocked unconscious in his first descent into hell, having been passed around the room by demons in a manner described by one viewer as resembling a basketball, the assembled group retreated to review their options over breakfast. Father Lonigan called on the heavens. That one angel, you know the one, answered and deployed a holy light beam that gave Miguel the strength to punch demons. Hecuba and the angel subsequently engaged in a fist fight outside the house. This paper's correspondent described the scene as grisly.

nayabrownie · Source Close to the Matter "This is what I imagine Craigslist orgies look like"

After the first assault was repelled, Reese suggested they all have some breakfast and then go on the computer to review church documents. This is a significant operational proposal and the Gazette endorses the approach. Reese, well-fed and hacking the Vatican, became frustrated that he could not download the required file. Simone suggested rebooting. Reese was rude about the suggestion. The Gazette is noting that turning it off and on again is often a great first step in tech troubleshooting and Simone was right to suggest it.

Reese eventually determined that Miguel and Charity could be saved with the (B)ladder of Lucifer. This precious church artefact was located, luckily, in the Bennett family garage. The Gazette notes the convenience of this and declines to question it. The ladder was constructed from wood and rope and used to play tug of war with the hellfire demons, who made an effort to pull Miguel back down in the manner of a lobster bucket.

The group eventually moved operations to the living room, where they watched hell on what sources describe as a crazy big screen. Miguel fell through the ceiling covered in goo. He had no pulse. Hecuba proclaimed EVIL RULES. On the bright side, Kay Bennett got to administer mouth to mouth to an unconscious Miguel, which this paper notes was the first time in this entire incident that Kay's stated objective was directly served by the situation.

Saint Simone

Hecuba Objects to Assumption That Evil is Masculine; Simone Offers Sunday School Assessment

Hecuba expressed this week that she takes issue with the assumption that evil is a masculine force. The Gazette notes this objection and considers it a reasonable point made in an unreasonable context, given that Hecuba had just been shooting lightning bolts at teenagers. Simone Russell lectured Kay Bennett on the grounds that this entire situation could have been avoided if Kay had paid better attention in Sunday school. The Gazette considers this the most efficient analysis of the Bennett household crisis produced this week and notes it came from Simone, who has also shown what sources describe as genuine concern for Kay today. This is a significant character development and this paper is filing it.

Analysis · By Our Senior Correspondent

Luis Explains Class Solidarity to Sheridan Over a Coal-Adjacent Barbecue; Sheridan Still Cannot Cook Eggs

A frank assessment of cabin life, monetary philosophy, and a grill situation this correspondent could not entirely make out due to what may be a vision problem.

Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald explained to Sheridan Crane this week that class solidarity is a made up concept, after which they went to the park to barbecue what appeared to be coal on top of the grill. This correspondent could not quite make it out. It has been recently discovered that this reporter may need glasses. Luis used snow to extinguish the grill. It was suggested that his firefighting efforts did not meet the standards of Smoky the Bear. Luis then told Sheridan, in what sources describe as a lusty grunt, that he would know no love without knowing her. They returned inside the cabin to make a fire and make out. Many viewers are saying Luis has no memes. This reporter does not fully understand what that means but it does sound correct.

Sheridan contemplated what a life without money might look like. She concluded that she has no idea how to live without her fortune and that she cannot cook eggs. The Gazette considers this the most honest thing Sheridan has said this week and considers it endearing. When you have a character this willing to acknowledge her own limitations you are going to get something. Luis made hot chocolate for Ethan Crane Winthrop.

"milarepa62: Why does the metaphysical stuff only happen to the poors? The witches and angels never bother the rich folks"

A letter to the editor arrived this week raising the above concern regarding the socioeconomic distribution of supernatural interference in Harmony. The Gazette has considered this question seriously. Our editorial position: the Crane mansion has a significant vase-water-to-demon repellent rate that the lower-income households of Harmony do not have access to. The Gazette recognises that this is not fair and encourages its readers to eat the rich.

Milestone Report

Episode 420 Crossed; Chat Reacts

This paper's viewing group crossed the threshold of episode 420 this week. Chat lost their collective mind.

Cristo____II · Viewer of Record "ep 420 had it all"
vjpcat · Harmony Resident "ep 420 was pretty satisfying"

The Gazette agrees with both assessments and notes that this is a significant moment in any viewing. You put episode 420 in a live stream and you cannot lose.

Timmy · Book Desk

Timmy Working on Sequel; Tabitha's Spell Creates Readership Problem

Timmy Lenox is hard at work on a sequel to Hidden Passions and hopes it will lead to a sitcom starring him. The Gazette considers this a reasonable ambition and a significant development. Tabitha has disclosed that she placed a spell at the end of Hidden Passions that causes readers to forget what they have just read. This is excellent news if a reader finishes the book. If they do not finish it, Tabitha is quite worried they will burn her at the stake for the contents. The Gazette notes that the spell was a good idea deployed at the wrong end of the document.

Op-Ed · From a Concerned Citizen

On the Matter of the Gas Leaks

This paper has received a letter from a concerned Harmony resident regarding the ongoing gas leak situation in Harmony and its possible relationship to the supernatural events of this week. The resident notes that Pilar Lopez-Fitzgerald observed the smell of gas earlier in the relevant period and that Father Lonigan subsequently confirmed things were, in his assessment, chill.

The Gazette's editorial position: the gas smell is not chill. It has not been chill for multiple episodes. This paper is raising it as an open item and will continue to raise it until a resolution is reported. The concerned citizen's letter has been filed and the Gazette thanks them for their diligence. The HPD has been notified. The HPD has not responded. This is consistent with the HPD's recent record, which this paper has documented.

Witch Desk · Timmy Correspondent

Timmy Observes; Declines to Interfere; Notes He Could Not Make This Up

Timmy Lenox, operating this week as this paper's embedded correspondent in the Lenox household and adjacent supernatural zones, had a daydream in which he was picked up by a seven-foot model. He returned to the situation at hand. He noted that the scenes in which Hecuba and Tabitha star-wars'd the walls in on Reese and the assembled group caused him concern, but that as a good reporter he should not interfere. He noted that Timmy couldn't make this stuff up if he tried. The Gazette considers this the single most accurate piece of self-assessment produced in Harmony this week.

Timmy and Tabitha subsequently retired to the Lenox house for a formal interview regarding the history of the Standish clan. Hecuba checked on Miguel's progress in hell using her magic bowl, at which point Miguel travelled through the bowl to choke Hecuba. He choked Hecuba for approximately 2.5 episodes. She turned blue. Timmy and Tabitha made Martimmies and gave a Roman thumbs down while Miguel finished the job. Hecuba eventually escaped via a magic book. Timmy's princess, per sources, intervened.