Rebecca Pays Judge Reilly in Newport Real Estate & Boobs; Little Ethan Legally Becomes Ethan Winthrop Jr.; Theresa Slaps Ethan on Camera, Ruining Her Own Case

The Gazette walks through exactly how a custody hearing gets bought when the buyer has power of attorney and a taste for the Hamptons.

Judge Reilly awarded full and permanent custody of Little Ethan to Gwen and Ethan Winthrop this week, in a hearing the Gazette can now confirm was compromised before Theresa ever sat down. Rebecca, holding Julian's power of attorney "like a platinum card, I never leave home without it," testified in Julian's stead and closed the sale by offering the judge his pick of beachfront property, settling on the general vicinity of Sunny von Bulow's old Newport estate. Judge Reilly, a man the Gazette notes has never once concealed his motives, invited Rebecca to discuss the matter further in chambers. The child has been renamed Ethan Winthrop Jr. effective immediately.

Theresa did not help her own case. Having already been warned by her attorney, Woody, to stay stable in front of Reilly, she slapped Ethan across the face in front of the assembled news cameras the day before the hearing, which Rebecca then looped on videotape for her own private enjoyment, informing Gwen that the VCR was "just all messed up" and kept replaying the same segment. It was not messed up. Rebecca simply likes watching it.

The Gazette notes, for the record, that Ethan is secretly working with Woody behind Gwen's back to eventually return the boy to Theresa once he and Gwen have a child of their own, a plan he has explained to Little Ethan directly while the child was sleeping and has not explained to anyone who is awake. The Gazette rates this plan's chances of surviving contact with Gwen as extremely poor.

Crane Industries Custodial Desk · Safe Division

Luis, Disguised as a Janitor/Grandpa, Finally Cracks Alistair's Hidden Safe; Holds Alistair at Gunpoint; Claims the Files Are Already Emailed to Cyberspace; Alistair Tries Bribery, Then a Lecture on the Global Economy

The janitor disguise. The laser. The evidence-room lock pick. The world's least convincing bluff about the global economy. The Gazette has it all.

Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald, working undercover at Crane Industries as a janitor since laid off by the Harmony PD, has located and opened the hidden safe behind Alistair Crane's office wall, using a laser borrowed from the police evidence room and, eventually, a cocktail waitress named Lola paid to lift the safe key directly from Alistair's pocket at a new location, the Regency Casino. Hank Bennett assisted throughout, at one point hiding from a building inspector in a maintenance closet and at another point fielding blueprints that Beth Wallace "accidentally" ruined with a spilled drink, in what the Gazette can now report was a deliberate act of sabotage on Alistair's behalf. Beth is compromised, and water is wet.

Property Recovery Incident · Crane Industries Private Office

Missing: Complete archive of Crane family compromising material, organized by subject header, including files marked "Sheridan, ______ " "Martin Fitzgerald," "Ivy and Sam Bennett," "Julian's Bastard," "Fox and Gambling," and "Investigations."

Suspect: Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald, identified by cocktail waitress Lola from a photo lineup under duress.

Suspect's position: Has decoded the finance disc. Has not yet decoded the remainder. Claims, credibly or not, to have already emailed copies into what he describes as "cyberspace."

Owner's response: Arrived at gunpoint. Offered a blank check. When refused, delivered an unsolicited lecture on the global economy, the Great Depression, and the welfare of millions of innocent foreign workers who would suffer if Crane Industries collapsed. Was not persuasive.

Alistair, confronted at gunpoint, ran through nearly the entire Crane playbook in a single conversation: first a bribe ("a blank check... you could take care of your family forever"), then a threat ("I'll kill you before I let you destroy me"), then an appeal to Luis's conscience regarding "millions of innocent people" who would lose their jobs in a hypothetical global depression triggered by one janitor's revenge plot. Luis was unmoved on all three counts and informed Alistair that his own key had been lifted by "the cocktail waitress," which the Gazette can confirm was indeed the mechanism, precisely as Alistair himself deduced by retracing his steps at the casino.

Charity Design Desk · Ivy Mentorship Program

Charity Applies to Design School; Ivy Calls Her Submission Awful, Then Fixes It, Then Offers to Make Her a Star

Design School Submission · Revision History

Charity Bennett submitted a garment of her own design as her design-school application sample. Ivy Crane's initial review: "Oh, oh, oh, god! That's awful, Charity! Oh, no!" Ivy's revised review, thirty seconds and one fabric swap later: "It's just, the color, and you're going to need a different fabric... See the difference? It wasn't that difficult, was it?" The Gazette notes both reviews were delivered with total sincerity and neither was wrong.

Ivy has since offered to leverage her extensive fashion-world contacts, acquired during her tenure as Mrs. Julian Crane, to launch Charity's career after graduation, describing the arrangement as a partnership. Ivy has framed this entirely as an act of family loyalty toward Sam's niece. The Gazette notes Ivy is currently sitting on a confession to Father Lonigan regarding the deliberate destruction of Sam and Grace's marriage, and is declining to extend that same honesty to the niece she has just promised to mentor for life.

Miguel, elsewhere, borrowed Charity's computer after his own crashed, prompting a round of dockside commentary from Kay's cannery coworker Dort, who has taken it upon herself to remind Kay at every possible opportunity that her boyfriend lives next door to his ex. Kay maintains Miguel is a saint. Charity, for her part, has told Miguel he can always count on her, which the Gazette notes is the kind of sentence that tends to travel. Editor: Is Dort Single?

Surrogacy Desk · The Swap

Rebecca Offers Theresa $10,000/mo, Then Doubles It, to Leave Harmony Forever; Theresa Declines and Instead Decides to Become Gwen and Ethan's Surrogate So She Can Trade the Baby Back for Little Ethan

Rebecca, informed that persons unknown had posted Theresa's bail via a brand-new and still-unnamed Crane charity (see below), offered Theresa ten thousand dollars and a standing monthly check for life to pack up her entire family and leave Harmony permanently, later doubling the figure when Theresa initially refused. Rebecca's pitch included the observation that Theresa's departure would spare her the indignity of watching Little Ethan learn to call Gwen "Mom," and closed with a warning that someone in Theresa's family might otherwise wind up dead. Theresa turned the offer down flat, telling Rebecca to take it and "shove it in that black hole you call your heart."

Theresa's actual plan, arrived at over prayer at St. Margaret Mary's with Fox, Whitney, and Chad present, is considerably bolder than anything Rebecca offered her: she intends to become the surrogate mother carrying Gwen and Ethan's biological embryo, and then trade that baby back to them in exchange for the return of Little Ethan. The Gazette must note that Heather, the actual contracted surrogate, had her embryo transfer scheduled for the very same evening Theresa announced this plan, is currently being held in a hospital suply closet while T is cozying up for surgery in her steed.

Pilar · Confidential

Pilar Diagnosed With Rare Blood Disorder; Tells No One But Eve; Writes a Letter to Be Opened Only If She Dies

Pilar Lopez-Fitzgerald has been diagnosed with a rare and serious blood disorder and is receiving treatment in secret inside Eve Russell's private office to avoid word reaching the outpatient ward, and from there, the rest of Harmony. She has told none of her children, reasoning that Luis, Theresa, Miguel, and Antonio are each already at capacity for grief. She has written a letter to be delivered only in the event she does not survive, and has asked Eve to look after Theresa specifically, believing her other children better equipped to cope. Her single visible symptom so far, a nosebleed that sent Hank into a panic and a trip to the hospital, was witnessed and dismissed by Pilar herself as simply the dry air at the bed and breakfast. The Gazette is not reassured.

Beth Operations Desk · Espionage Division

Beth Agrees to Spy on Luis for Alistair Under Threat of Being Ordered to Kill Him Instead; Mrs. Wallace Knows Everything

Alistair Crane, calling in Beth's debt from the Sheridan kidnapping and subsequent memory-erasure conspiracy, has given her a choice: report Luis's every move, or kill him herself. Beth chose surveillance, and has been feeding Alistair updates by phone while Luis works two feet away, at one point blaming the resulting suspicious phone call on a prescription refill and a persistent telemarketer. Mrs. Wallace, listening from the next room, has correctly identified her daughter as "Alistair Crane's deep throat" and is holding this over her accordingly. The Gazette notes Mrs. Wallace's read on the situation has been, throughout, considerably sharper than anyone in Harmony has given her credit for.