Beth Sets Cottage on Fire; Caught at the Scene Smelling of Petrol; Not a Suspect

The gasoline. The match. The declaration. The smoke inhalation. The investigation that did not occur. The Gazette files its most complete account of Beth's operational escalation to date.

Beth trapped Luis and Sheridan inside the Crane cottage and soaked it in gasoline. She threw a match. She said, as she did so: if I can't have you, no one can. Luis and Sheridan escaped. Sheridan is at the hospital being treated for smoke inhalation. Beth was caught at the scene of the fire with no apparent reason to be there, smelling of gasoline. Beth is not a suspect.

The Gazette pauses here.

The Gazette has now documented the following actions Beth Wallace has taken in the service of preventing Luis and Sheridan from being together: drugged beer, fabricated intercourse, a staged window scene, an axe, New Year's tranquilisers, an attempted pillow smothering, and now arson with a verbal declaration of murderous intent delivered at the moment of ignition. She was caught at the scene of the fire smelling of the accelerant. She is not a suspect. The Gazette does not know what the Harmony Police Department considers sufficient grounds for suspicion and notes that their Chief is currently busy evicting socialites into snowstorms on behalf of Theresa Crane, but wishes to formally note for the record that a person found at the scene of a fire they set, smelling of the fuel they used, having just said the words "if I can't have you no one can," is, by any conventional investigative standard, a suspect.

Editorial Board · Official Position The Harmony PD gave up on the Julian Crane shooting. The Gazette is not surprised by this development and has updated its threat assessment of Beth Wallace to: critical.

Many viewers noted during the broadcast that perhaps some of Theresa's forthcoming charitable donations should have been directed to the Harmony Fire Department, who were "not available due to dealing with another fire across town". The Gazette endorses this suggestion without reservation.

Hospital Security Desk

Beth Infiltrates Hospital as Albino Nurse With Bleach Syringe; Squeaky Shoes Nearly Expose Her; Coincidental Elderly Lookalike Provides Escape

The nurse costume. The bleach. The shoes. The sound design that turned out to be a plot point. The Gazette covers a murder attempt that was foiled by footwear and resolved by coincidence.

Within a short interval of the arson, Beth obtained a nurse's uniform from a high school play, disguised herself, and infiltrated Harmony Hospital with a syringe of bleach intended for Sheridan. The disguise was described as that of an albino nurse due to the white wig. Beth's shoes were extremely squeaky. Chat, watching the episode, initially assumed the squeaking was bad ADR, a sound design error in post-production. It was not, this time. The squeaky shoes were a plot point. Beth nearly got caught because of the shoes.

At the moment of near-exposure, an elderly nurse appeared matching beth's vibe to a T. This nurse was a genuine hospital employee who happened to resemble Beth's disguise closely enough to muddy the scene and provide Beth with a getaway. The Gazette will not speculate on the probability of a coincidental nurse lookalike being present at Harmony Hospital at the precise moment Beth needed one, but notes that Harmony operates on a set of narrative physics in which this kind of coincidence is load-bearing infrastructure rather than exception.

Sheridan survived. Sheridan does not know about the bleach. Sheridan does not know about the gasoline. Sheridan does not know about most of what Beth has done, but has a sinking feeling something is wrong, which is the consistent and structural problem this entire arc has been built on. Beth and Precious, the specially trained monkey, introduced this issue and covered below, are settling into the Wallace residence and have been having food fights to help establish dominance. The Gazette notes that Edna's domestic situation now includes an ape with whom she is in active conflict, and that this is somehow not the most alarming thing about the Wallace family's week.

Tabitha Domestic Desk · Obstetric and Supernatural

Two Gold Diaper Babies Loose in the House; Tabitha Hiccups Butterflies; Flies in Circles; Kay Uses a Spell; Bond Deepens

The gold diaper baby who arrived recently has been joined by a second gold diaper baby, who escaped from the cauldron and immediately executed a backflip on the table. Tabitha is now questioning whether she is having twins. Both babies are mobile and at large within the Lenox residence. The Gazette notes that Tabitha's household currently contains: two unsupervised magical infants, Kay Bennett, the evil in the basement, and whatever Tabitha's witch pregnancy is doing to her body on a given day.

On the subject of the pregnancy symptoms: Tabitha has been hiccupping butterflies and flying in circles around the living room. Kay, who is learning the craft through proximity and necessity, used a spell to stabilise her. It worked. Their bond as housemates and reluctant partners in the supernatural is deepening. The Gazette notes that Kay Bennett, who entered the series as a teenage girl with a crush and a scheme, has now performed successful magical intervention on a centuries-old witch and is being mentored by the evil in the basement. Character development is occurring, even if the character is becoming evil. In Hogmony, this counts.

Precious Desk · New Arrival

Official Gazette Introduction · Precious

Beth has hired a nurse for Mrs. Wallace. The nurse is an monkey. Precious is a specially trained monkey who has been engaged in a caregiving capacity for the Wallace household. Mrs. Wallace balked upon meeting Precious. Beth finds this satisfactory. Precious and Beth have since been having food fights to establish inter-species domestic dominance. The outcome of these food fights has not yet been determined. The Gazette will monitor. Bermuda Bruce, Julian's drinking companion, has also returned to Harmony this week. The Gazette notes both arrivals and notes that the cast of Harmony has expanded in an unexpected direction. Don't bring us down Bruce.

Crane Industries Financial Desk · Philanthropy

Theresa Donates Millions of Dollars of Crane Money; Julian Has an Inward Cough; Rebecca Auctions the Rolls-Royce; Julian Crashes Live Television Interview and Eats the Marriage Certificate

The cancer donation. The animal shelter. The bursaries. The Rolls-Royce. The certificate. The maniacal laughter. The Gazette presents the full philanthropic ledger.

Theresa Crane · Charitable Disbursements · This Reporting Period
Cancer Research$10,000,000
Animal Shelter$1,000,000
Harmony Recreation CentreUndisclosed (significant)
Bursary, Whitney RussellNamed endowment
Bursary, Chad HarrisNamed endowment
Rebecca's Rolls-RoyceAuctioned (proceeds to charity)
Julian's reactionInward cough. Not happy.
Viewers' suggestionSome of this should go to the Harmony Fire Department.

Julian and Rebecca have been attempting to determine whether they can still get rid of Theresa after all. Theresa forges on. Gwen warned Fox that he does not know what his stepmommy is really like. Rebecca is in contact with Tom Joiner, yes that Tom Joiner, a former, wronged Crane Industries employee with a vendetta against Julian and Alistair, who claims to have damaging information about Theresa. Rebecca and Julian met with Joiner at the No-Tell Motel with a million dollars in cash. They now have the blackmail material. Theresa, unaware, continued donating.

Theresa held a live television interview. Julian crashed it. Julian cast doubt on the validity of their marriage in front of the cameras live to the nation and then, to resolve the matter conclusively, produced the marriage certificate and destroyed it while laughing maniacally. The Gazette notes this as the most publicly committed act of document destruction since Theresa ate the divorce papers in Issue 24, and notes further that the Crane family's relationship with paperwork is adversarial across all factions.

Simone Desk · Disclosure

Simone Learns the Truth About Chad and Whitney; Trashes Whitney's Room; Is Devastated

Simone has learned the truth about Chad and Whitney. She is devastated. She trashed Whitney's room. The Gazette notes that the room-trashing is the most proportionate response anyone in Harmony has had to betrayal news in several issues, and commends the physical directness of it compared to, for example, eating paperwork or setting fire to a cottage. TC continued to push Whitney to play tennis immediately following this emotionally traumatic disclosure. Eve refused to allow it. TC blamed Eve for everything that has happened. Whitney suffers. The Gazette notes that TC Russell is a certified grief counsellor and that this continues to be the most structurally ironic fact in Harmony.